Please Don’t Eat Yourself

A lot of what you read around here addresses tough questions. Hopefully that gets done in a unique and useful way. But sometimes it’s just more fun to address interesting questions, those mind-benders that only come from Google’s marvelous library of desperate searches such as the seeker who once asked the search engine:  “What if I ate myself?” A question like that just makes me love people even more.

Worried about eating yourself? We can help.

If you’re tuning into these parts late, I wrote an article a while back (Open Ended Questions & Pregnant Bowlers) about the fascinating ways Google attempts to complete your phrases as you type in the search bar. You’ve probably seen these phrases pop up as you start to type something. That article got a great response, so I started wondering what other gems might be out there.

I was not disappointed.

Still wondering how this works? All you do is start typing an innocent seeming phrase into Google such as…

Is it safe to…

Give yourself a point if you’ve ever wondered is it safe to A) swim in Lake Erie, B) leave butter out, or C) shower during a thunderstorm. Give yourself a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder if you’ve wondered all three. I’ve personally survived this trifecta of terror, although you should be careful the closer you get to Cleveland. Sometimes the real fun begins when you click on these questions to find answers. From what I gather, showering in a thunderstorm is safe as long as you’re not in the Bates Motel.

Is it always…

Some disturbing questions start with these three little words. Apparently some Commandment breakers have asked the Great Google if it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere, wrong to lie, or illegal to kill a woman. I’m gonna end up on a watch list just reading this stuff! And in case you’ve come here for answers then yes, no, and just sometimes. And I won’t even begin to try to understand who asked “is it always wrong to perform futile cpr.”

Should I try…

This is a good question if you want to know every possible outcome from taking every possible illegal substance on the planet. Also can be used if you’re considering online dating or going out for the cheerleading squad. My guess is that you won’t be cheering atop human pyramids if you decide to try acid or shrooms. Although you might think you are.

Is it ok…

If you read my previous piece on these questions, you’ll recall how many of them had to do with pregnancies. Apparently pregnant women can add Googling to their list of strange cravings because they’re still at it. “Is it ok to dye your hair while you’re pregnant?” Yes. “Can you rock climb while pregnant?” Sure, unless you fall. “Is it ok to eat hot dogs while pregnant?” Is it ever ok to eat hot dogs? Tuna and shrimp are also fine.

Are expecting mothers really this neurotic? No wonder our kids are afraid of everything. I say we need more rock-climbing mamas. More of you should be jumping out of planes too. What should you expect when you’re expecting? How about extreme sports. We could be like Spartans without all the bloodlust.

Speaking of neurotic women, it seems a lot of you are worried about what to wear to that next wedding. Now ladies, I can’t tell you if other women think it’s okay to wear red or black or white to a wedding. I can only speak for men here, and the truth is that we absolutely could care less. But hey, while we’re talking about pregnancies and weddings, why not ask…

Nothing personal ladies. We're just wired different.

Can kissing cause/spread…

On second thought, we better not. But I think we can at least confirm that kissing can’t get you pregnant. And for the poor soul that wants to know who gave you herpes, I can say it definitely wasn’t me. But if you feel the entire world is the place to ask that question to begin narrowing down possible suspects, you probably should reevaluate your life choices. Seriously.

What will he…

I gotta say I didn’t see the diversity coming when I stumbled across this one. These range from the practical to existential, everything from what will help me sleep or help my hair grow faster to what will heaven or hell be like. Then there’s the simple question: “What will help me poop?”

It’s amazing how the internet has changed our willingness to bring up the most personal stuff to strangers. Humans have spent centuries quietly facing our worst fears in bathrooms. Now the web gives us another outlet for our anxiety. People want to know why their poop is white or black or green. They want to know why their hair is falling out or their eye is twitching. We don’t go to a loved one or a doctor first anymore; we go to our keyboards and await verdicts from an international community of strangers.

I absolutely love questions. They’re at the heart of humanity. Sure, the big ones need answered but the small ones tell us about ourselves too, even if we are just wondering how to remove ticks or Facebook friends. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I can’t tell you whether you should pop your pimple or why dogs eat poop. I guess I would say go for it and they must just like the taste.

Our never-ending questions tell me we’ve been wired to search because there’s something bigger than us out there, and we know it. We’ll never have all the answers, and life will never be neat and tidy, especially if you eat yourself.

Last time, you all came up with some great Googling of your own.  I expect nothing less this time around.

Please leave some more gems below! 

5 thoughts on “Please Don’t Eat Yourself”

  1. Great read! I was thrilled when “Google Suggest” revealed that I am not the only one that searches for pointless strings like “asdfasdfasdf” or “abcdefg…” (a sign one needs to go to bed) It tells volumes about our similarities and nothing about our sanity!

  2. Clay…what happened to maybe, or at your own risk…hehe….some of my favorites to use. It’s better than yes, no , or sometimes….

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